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its another new beginning of the week. it will b a chaotic week. however, it will be quite fun. well! at least i believe so. gona change my seating arrangement le. from the cozy area to a damn open place. i hate that man. its like my place is so damn open that i cannot hav a single bit of personal time at all. anyway work is not abt personal time at all. but........ still, we will need the personal time once in awhile. thats wat i learn in HRM during my poly days. its one of the hertz factor or wat. i dun remember le. haha. everything was return back to the teacher le. hehe. so damn horrible. ARGH!!! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 10:51 AM |
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thanx gers for all the encouragement. anyway yesterday was another stupid thing that happened unexpectedly. was given 2 tickets for the new movie 'happy feet'. kind of excited cos goin to watch it with him, my cousin n colleagues cos its a subsidy thin from a partnering company. tot i will meet him there cos afraid that it will be mafan for him to travel. who knws in the end, he wanted to come n pick me up. den suppose to meet at 6. in the end he came only at ard 630, makin 3 of us wait. not only so, but he tot we are goin to vivo city when i kept tellin him its at Great world city. so we went to the wrong place. after that we lost our way. den we had some quarrels. in the end i got off his car n took a cab with my cousin n colleague. den he called n we quarrel thru the phone. WTH! in the end, i didnt even watch the movie. i paid for the taxi fare. n i dun get to watch the movie n i've to take a shuttle bus frm great world city to the mrt stn. a waste of time, a waste of money n a waste of free movie. WTH!!! den i still hv to take a train back to his place. WTH!!! but after that he's kind of sweet to me n we kind of clear some things that hav being buried within us for sometime. its a good thing after all. but still i find it damn ridiculars. i wanted to watch a movie. i've not watch a movie for 4 damn months lo. tts freaking long to me. movie, clubbin and shoppin are part of my life. without it i'll die lo. n i've not being to movie for like 4 damn mths. i repeat. 4 DAMN MONTHS. its not long but long enough to suffocate me. WTF!!! i'm goin to watch a movie no matter wat. ARGH!!! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:53 AM |
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juz wondering what is he thinkin? i mean andy. its like i tot we broke off yesterday. but in the end, with last min info, he came to pick me up. in his car we quarrelled again all the way back to my place. this time i felt so sick of it. in the end i mentioned break up. den he said sth similar to this, 'u think breaking up with me is so easy?' i was like wat the hell. u're always the one who wanted to break up. den so be it. let it be. break up lo. if its a matter of pride. ok den i'll let u dump me. i juz cannot take it anymore. 1st time in my life, i really cannot accept any phone calls or msg. juz by hearing my phone ring i'll get all worked up to the extend that i threw my phone away. its my damn new phone, juz merely a wk old. but i really cannot take it. i cannot take the ringing of the phone. n i've rejected dozens of calls but still it kept ringing. in the end he came up to my place n asked me to open my door. i was not willing. until he mention abt his hse key. it was den that i went to open the door n return his keys. den he asked me to get into his car, to his place n pack my stuff. i was like ok. lets go. in the car, he was back to the topic of everything. i got so hysteric that i kept crying n said that i cannot take it anymore, n i juz wan to go home. he can throw all my things away. i dun care. i juz wan to go home. i dun wan to b in his presence. i almost wanted to jump out of his car. i tried but the door was locked. den he kept shouting at me. wat the hell. never in my whole damn life i felt so insecure, so wanting to go home, to my own safe ground. no one ever shouted at me in such a manner. never! not even my dad when he's so damn fucking pissed off with me. n thruout he was mentioning that i can never run away from him. never run out of his palm, never run out of his shadows. in that moment, i juz wan to die. i told him juz take a knief n stab me. i dun care. he kept giving all kinds of threat. i dun care. even if it meant me my job. i dun wan to bother. if i were to lose my job. den so b it. i juz cannot take it anymore. den when we reach his place. after all the shouting n cryin n everything. once in his room. i started packing my things, den he pull me away, into his arms n hug me. it was that moment, that i totally break dwn. i cried so badly that he hav to find ways to make me stop all the hipcups n mucus that kept flowing. hai... tts how the whole thing ended. wat a comical scene yesterday nite. but watever it is, i juz dun understand y he dun wana let me off. its definitely not bcos of sex. tt one i knw. n i dun giv him money. wats more he's damn rich. dun need my money. so not for sex, not for money. den for wat? cant he juz let me go. dun tell me its bcos of love. i wont believe it. i never will. anyway i'm ok with breakin up le. but now he's not willing to let me go. WTF!!! ARGH!!! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:21 AM |
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mon again. i realise i always the urge to update my blog every mon. haha. well! think its mon tts y i kind of hav this kind of feelin n wats more things always happen on the wkends tts y all the more i'll hav things to write abt. Well!!! think the torturous relationship has ended in a silent manner ba. Yesterday everything seems to be normal in the morning. den at nite everything seems to b so weird. i duno its i'm too sensitive or really did happen as wat i expect it to be. Arthur asked me out to party world for ktv. i was comtemplating if i shld go cos an idiot says he MAYBE meeting me at nite. so to cfm everything i msg him asked if he's still goin to meet me. there's no reply. i called him twice. no answer. i msg him once more. no reply. i called him again. reach the voice mail. after which i cant be bothered anymore so i went out with arthur n other friends. while singing half way i cant help but feeling awkard. if he was slping, he would hav woke up long ago as he slpt since afternoon. but i wait till 12am, he still didnt get back to me. in between i still called to check if he's ok. but no answer. ok fine i take it that he's slping till morning. den till now, which is 12.20pm in the afternoon i still didnt hear frm him. its like how can it b. imagine if ur gf/bf contacts u the nite b4, n u're aslp, u'll definitely take the initiative to contact the person back regardless is it a msg or a phonecall. even, if its a normal friend, after seeing so many msg n miss call u'll also call back rite. well, unless u've a reason not to contact the person. further more when i'm his gf. well... i cant be bothered. i'm juz so tired. if he cant be bothered to even msg me or call me back n treat me like his gf. y is it that i've to take all this shit from him? i'm playing my part as a gf. i priority him in the 3rd place, above everythin except parents n work. but yet this is wat i got. is this wat a relationship is abt? is this wat a committment is abt? ignoring the concern n care that was given? omg. i'm so hurt. i'm so frustrated. who knws, i'm here suffering n there he was having fun with other gers, mayb even fucking them when i'm trying to reach him, to call him, wondering if he had any accident as there hav being a couple of car crash recently. haha... how foolish a ger can be when it comes to 'love'. when it comes to 'relationship'. i juz hate myself for being hurt so easily. for taking relationship so seriously. or mayb, juz mayb ... relationship are meant to be for fun. are juz meant to be hurting. i duno. i no longer knw wat are relationships are for. i feel so insecure. for nites, i've been having the same dream. i dreamt of a guy. someone without a face. but a tall n muscular man who is/was my bf. he was so sweet, so loving. hugs me everytime we are together. the kind of feeling was undescrible. the kind of secure feeling he gav, the love he gav, was ... amazing. i missed that feelin sooooo much. i wan to hav that feeling again. but i cant seem to find it anymore. nth seems to be able to fit in. i try to place the feeling with all the guys that i'm close with. but i juz cant seem to find it, n i juz cant seem to fit it rite. where is this man that i'm searching for? the broad shoulders that can help shoulder all my worries and my problems. the listening ear that is always available. the warmth that elimate from him, providing me a comfortable hug. the love that shines within him, that helps to brighten up my day. where is this guy? where is this man? where is he? i need him to hug me to slp, to hug me and allows me to cuddle within his arms when we are watching tv, to cook n hav fun with one another in the kitchen and afterwhich enjoy the meal we both cook n share, the boring look on his face when we shop (rather i shop), the approval nod when i did sth rite and manage to accomplish sth that i always wanted to do, the quarrels we will hav when different views were put across, etc... i wanted all this. but where can i find it? i hate my current or rather my past relationship. the boring silent between us when we are in his car, no shopping, no outing but the boring routine we always have, home after work. tts all. not even 1 movie in the past 4 mths together. ya, juz the tokyo drift. thats all, nth much being put across. i can never tell him wat happen at work, family matters or other stuffs. i've to be tactful with wat i say or do with him. i feel so miserable. i wan to feel comfortable. hug him when i like, tell him whatever that comes to mine. imagine, when i try to hug him, i'll be push away. reason being, he's hot n feel uncomfortable with it. WTF! i'm huggin him cos he's my bf. n he's pushing me away cos he's hot n feels uncomfortable. i never felt so miserable n pathetic in a relationship b4. Never!! juz felt so used. so taken advantage of. haha... but hell, wat can i do? i've chosen this route. i've chosen this path. is there any other choice for me? i've chosen this misery when i've the chance to get out of it. now i juz wan the strong shoulder that i need. the hugable hug that i wan. the listengin ear i need, and everything that comes with it. but it is juz that difficult. i'm not a person to be born without relationship. there are juz some ppl who can go without it. but i cant. i wont deny it. without relationship i'll die. mayb i'll stay single n hav my fun for a couple of mths. but after that i'll be desperate for a companion cos all my friends will be so occupied with their own activities that i'll need someone. but hell, its juz so hard to find such a companion. juz so hard to find the rite one. y is it so? ARGH!!!! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 10:47 AM |
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ok... after 2 days of mc, n in out of SGH. finally feelin better. duno how the hell i got a scratch on my cornea causing my eyes to swell and hurt like mad. n worst thing is i cant really see even when i put on my glasses. like a blind idiot for the past 2 days. finally can see again. almost scare the hell out of me. haha... being thinkin of somethings. on tue i went out with weilun, my bud's cousin. apparently, i was being fly aeroplan cos my bud shld b there. in the end he didnt turn up. so i was alone with him. felt awkard thruout. but anyway we did some chatting, den out of no where he asked me a qns. out of all my bfs, which bf did i love most. den i stop to think. n i answer him back. how to answer this qns. its like i can never compare them. cos when i'm in a relationship i make sure i put in effort n love all of them. den he said this, ' if u ever love someone, u'll feel that all the past or future relationship will meant nth at all. if u cant find someone who makes u feel this way den u've not really love someone yet.' its den that i realise, ya its true. so all this while i've being living in a world of lies. rather, in my OWN LIES. the lies that i created. that make myself believe that i love them. in fact thats not call love. its all juz my duty. i'm duty bound. i juz do wat a gf shld do. tts all. but not bcos i really love them. I hate him. the guy who make me realise all the lies that i built ard me. at least i've all these to rely on. but now its all smash. nth left. ARGH!!! y muz he left me with nth. i seriously hate him. i wan to continue with all this lies but yet i'm not sure if i can do it anymore. its like i'm living in such a false world with so much reality ard me. i'm tryin to build a fantasy here. but now its being destroy. ARGH!!! Hai.... i hate it. ARGH!!! Anyway i kind of hav a crush on my buddy. den his cousin kind of hav a crush on me. i was like. omg. but anyway i dun think my buddy likes me. haha... so juz leave with it man. anyway its juz a crush it doesnt mean anything at all. sometimes i juz wonder how is it like to love ppl, since someone says i never really being in love b4. its kind of sad. hai... i juz cannot help it but feel sad for myself. i duno how to continue with everything le. HAI..... |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 1:55 PM |
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its another monday. A normal mon. however, it juz seems to b another horrible monday to me. i feel like dying. its like another pms day for me. seriously hate this kind of feeling. always like having pms. for awhile, i'll b so sure of wat i wan and wat are my goals are. for a the next moment, i'm so lost again. y m i like this. hai... always so affected by my own emotions. i hate this. anyway i kind of like had a crush on one of my bud. he's such a sweet guy. nice, thoughful, gentle and good looking. haha.. but unfortunately, he's can only b my buddy. haha. andy is enough for me. he's causing me more trouble den i'm suppose to hav. i dun think i'll wan another guy who's so good lookin that he will bring me more trouble again. hai... i'm so sick of it. hai... oh ya, i've gotten a new phone. i really spent too much this mth. got a cam, a ring n a phone. $590 + $400 + $300 = $1290. tts the amt i spent this mth. WTH!!! tts like almost my one mth pay. haha.... but well, at least i feel satisfied. i manage to get everythin i wan. so tts not bad. at least i knw where my money are spent. oki. i'm kind of tired with my life workin here. its like i hate this kind of life. i'm working for others and i'm like spending nearing everyday here. i hate it. if it's for my own biz i dun mind. but i'm not. its for other company. and the pay that i got, its juz so pathetic. i think everyone will think they are juz not worth. but still i hate it. i wana get out of here. how i wish i'll hav 3 wish. if i can hav 3 wish. i will hav wish for 1)everyone ard me to be happy n healthy. 2)to have a successful biz and earn lots of money. 3)to hav a man whom i love and he love me too, to spent our life togther. haha.. i think everyone will think of the same wish ba. but unfortunately we dun live in a fairy tale land. we live in a place, call reality. haha. i'm juz so sick. how i wish! how i wish! how i wish! hai.... i'm so slpy. |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 12:18 PM |
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money! money! money! Now i'm driven with the tot of money only! i'm thinkin of ways to make money. I wan to make lots of money. i dun wan to live in a world of juz mere survival, but a life with more than juz survival alone. I want a life filled with riches. filled with all my wants, not just my needs but my wants as well. cos i believe i'm entitle to more den juz survival alone. tts how i believe it to be. and not only so, but i also believe that i myself can go thru all the difficulties i've in front of me as long as i'm willing to go thru it, making sure that i'm willing to do it and not juz sit ard n wait for things to happen. i need to get my ass moving n my brain functioning. i'm lazy but i'm not stupid. n due to a long time of laziness i realise my brain is starting to malfunction. BUT i'm goin to scrab away all the rusted area and start to train the brain to make it fit n useful like its suppose to be. i've such high iq, but yet i'm not willing to use it. now its time to use it. i've an average eq but yet i kept letting it deteriorate cos i dun trust myself, n let my wilfulness get the better of me, beliving that i'm god, n others shld understand me instead of me understanding others. so now i knw that i've being slacking like mad. i need to brush off all the rusting part n make full use of wat i was given. no longer the act blur / hack care person. so in order to do all this, i need to set my brain moving. n the only motivation; to earn money. to earn more den wat i need. nth is goin to stop me. nth is able to. unless GOD doesnt wan me to do it. doesnt wan me to survive. otherwise nth can stop me. i wont allow anyone to stop me at all. sometimes i juz wonder. other ppl can b so damn successful. WHy cant i b like them. they excel in some area. i believe i excel in certain areas as well. they make full use of the advantage they were given to get successful, so will i. i'm not stupid. neither m i dump. i was given with good brains n normal features. i dun disgust ppl. i dun frighten ppl off. y m i losing out? i shldnt be. so if i shldnt b losin out i dun see y i cant be as successful. so heaven, here i come. watch out! i'm coming fast, furious and of cos steadily. haha.... Michelle, my fire is burning, help me to keep the fire burning. remember to keep adding coal and once in a while if the fire is gettin too weak help me add kerosene, we will need this fire to go on n make it big. otherwise we will forever be how we are now. i dun wan that. i wan to make a name for both of us. haha.... so will be waiting for u k? love you alot alot alot!! 我爱你! muack!!!! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:10 AM |
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i seriously hate that idiot! he can really make me hate him to the core yet i cant help but smilin at him. this kind of irritating feeling is hard to describe. n everytime i smile or laugh, deep inside me i'll start to hate myself for doin that. but i juz cant help it but continue to smile and laugh at his joke. I'm so afraid that i'll fall in love with him once again. i dun wan that to happen. i wan to avoid. the problem is will i b able to avoid. tts the main thing. hai..wat m i suppose to do? i really duno. someone please help! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 12:10 PM |
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Right now i feel damn peaceful. everything hav being settle. everything seems to be fine. i cant b more peaceful den i'm right now. sudden thought of the day. wana be a simple ger! juz a simple life with a simple lifestyle. being with him till now i start to realise that he's not as simple as i think he will be. he's juz too complicated for me to handle. i love smart guys. i love complicated guys. but he's juz TOO smart n complicated for me to handle. to him, he wans a simple life. work n go home rest. i can take it n i can understand. but not every day. since the time i'm with him, never once hav we went shoppin together. this is not the kind of lifestyle a couple shld lead. imagine if i were to marry him. n this is the kind of lifestyle we will be leading thru out our whole life. i think i'll die. i juz wan a simple relationship. he doesnt hav to b a fantastic guy with lots of money. i juz wan a simple man. Smart enough to giv me solution when i need it. Experience enough to giv me advise and guide me thru my life. loving enough to care for me and accompany me to date. tts all. juz that simple. but he's juz too complicated and busy for me to handle. ARGH!!! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:40 AM |