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hello... hehe... i'm back. haha... its being nearing a mth since i'm here. hehe.... well... things has being good. being back frm india. enjoy myself like mad. hehe... but juz cant get use to the food there. anyway india is not as bad as everyone think it is lo. in fact it's better den everyone expect it to be. anyway here are some photos that i took in india.    1st pic: on a jeep safari 2nd pic: juz came dwn frm an elephant 3rd pic: 2nd tallest man standing juz beside me 4th pic" on a classic bullock ride den while i was there i was thinkin of him lo.. haha... thinking how he is now. but well... there's no need for that. anyway after that when i touch dwn, i was hopin that he will giv me a surprise by turning up. but he didnt. well.... i'm juz wishin for too much. den was waiting for him to msg me. but he didnt until i think late last wk den he msg me. well... its kind of too late. i've decided to let everything go le. i was waiting for him to get to me. but he didnt. he forced me to make a decision. n when i make a decision he appeared again. wat the hell does he wan? anyway i've put an end to it. but den again i'm not really very willin to end it. hehe... hai... the contradicitin side of me coming up again. but well... i've stated on my friendster that i've end it le. so it doesnt matter anymore. hehe... still i'll hope that he will come back. but i duno if i'll accept him back. weird rite? haha... anyway den i went back to clubbin. the day i touch dwn i went back to club. n trust me that was heaven lo. seriously heaven. imagin dancing n smokin at the same time. wao... that was heaven lo. hehe.... den the amazing part was i found myself back. n my buddy as well. we had fun clubbin with one another. him lookin for gers. i looking for guys. haha... but sad to say that there's no guys that i kind of fancy at all. den he keep complainin that my standard damn high... but ARGH!!! its not my standard high lo. but the standard of guys are droppin lo. den last wkend he intro his other commandos to me. n WAO... they are cute. although not very extremely cute. but cute enough. hehe... haha.... well.... juz good to see la... but seriously all my guy friends are helping me to search for guys lo.. haha... i'm so touch. haha... anyway den yesterday i went for my driving test. den i fail lo.. hai... dun talk abt it i damn irritated n fell damn sad lo.... its like i never fail in anything b4 lo.... den all of a sudden i fail the driving test i was damn sad lo.. hai... den i teared. haha.. being quite a while since i teared. i think the last time i really teared was last yr when broke up with panda. even for mango. didnt really teared. a few drops but not to the extend of cry lo. but yesterday i practically cried lo. den lionel hav to consoled me lo. poor lionel. spend like 0.5 hr to console me lo. poor him lo.. hehe.... anyway thats the past. hehe... so juz wait for the next one lo. well.... den there's a good news. i shifted my office position. n i love my new position with my new PC n new neighbour. i've like more privacy here n that my neighbours really take care of me wan lo. hehe... so in love with it man.... hehe... now i'm startin to really feel that its really like my desk. hehe.... starting to love it here man.. think the only disadvantage is that its near my gm's office n its damn cold here lo.. hehe... but its nice la.. haha.... hai... anyway i realise that my office com load pics damn fast. so shld b gettin my pics that i own mich up soon. juz wait for it. so keep tune.... hehe.... |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 3:35 PM |
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| i had a fun wkend. fri was the most memorable wan. haha... was out with mich, wen n siew after wrk. as usual, mich is always the earliest 1. den me den wen den siew. haha... i bought pink roses for them... hehe... a kind of culture of mine. to giv flowers to them when we met up for my bday. hehe....so i gav them each a pink rose lo. haha... den they got me a nice handbag which has a very unique shape. haha. n a small coin pouch which i've being aiming for like ages. haha... oh ya. n the best part. they got me a cake. hehe... like wat i wanted.. haha... love them so much. so after meetin up we went to pitstop n hav our dinner with chia yan. after that chia yan left. think she kind of felt weird ba. tts y. haha.. but anyway we had fun. chattin abt the old times. abt the admirers n relationships that each of us hav. luckily i got a damn low profile during that period of time. haha. so most of the gossips are mainly on mich, wen n siew. haha... like when we talk abt leonard(a shortie with spects. oh ya talking abt shorties, MICH i realise u always attract shorties. haha...), the person that comes to mind will be mich. den Mongzi, will be wen. Elgin, a disgusting freak, will b siew, n last but not least, the so called handsome muang tat is wan hua. haha... like that lo. den after the chit chating session we start playing our games. hehe... was quite fun. den till ard 10. we had the bday cake coming. n they actually took a video on it. haha... a very short clip. but very nice. haha... love the video clip like mad. haha... juz love it man. anyway den on sat slack the whole morning den played mahjong with raymond, zhi qiang n jimmy(raymond's friend). started playin frm like 2 all the way to 12 lo.. haha... damn pro lo. was fun la. but i lost, luckily didnt lose much.. haha... quite fun la. den on sun met up with raymond again. went northpt to buy polo-tee for the india trip. den went to watch eight below. a very nice n touchin show. its abt how 8 dogs survive at anarctica during the winter time, when their owner was being forced to leave them there n tryin to go back n safe them. in then end only 2 of the 8 dogs survive. den went for dental in the late morning, had 1.5hrs of lunch break so went to orchard to get my hat... FINALLY!! haha... anyway the cap is damn cheap lo. its only $20. i tot it will cost me like $50 for the cap.. haha...had a good wkend la... goin to meet up with him tml. to discuss what the hell is wrong n wat are we goin to do abt it. still hangin on or drop it. as in being together or juz hav a clear break up. i'm sick of having that kind of feelin like being left dangling in the mid air. i hate it. if he wans we can discuss on how to improve everything. or we can juz hav a break up. no pt hangin on it like this. i cant stand it anymore. i duno if i'm suppose to tell others that i'm single or that i'm attach. i'm like so lost lo. i dun even knw my status anymore. i cant go on like this. i wan things to be clear. i like things to be clear. so will meet him n see how lo... hai.... juz wait n see man... |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 4:26 PM |
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ok. now i feel slightly better. most pro bcos of the movie i watch yesterday with mich. watch ICE AGE 2. it was so freaking funny. was suppose to watch it with him. haha... but its ok. well.... seriously somewat feel better n not as lost n upset as the past few days. at least now i knw wat i want n wat i can work for now. for the mean time i'll juz put him aside. for now, its my india trip, my hair n my driving license. haha.... at least for now i've manage to pull myself back together again. its not a bad start. there's still so many things for me to do. this week will be enjoying myself with meetin up with friends. either to catch up with my friends or to celebrate my bday together. tot this yr there will be someone special to celebrate my bday for me. but unfortunately, there's none. haha.... anyway. hav being out everynite since mon. mon out with my parents for dinner. tue met up with jessie to do some catching up on our current life. den after which i met up with wen for a short window shopping trip n a dinner together, which we spend a wonderful 1.5 hrs eating only xiao long pao n a bowl of noodles. haha... den yesterday nite went for driving lesson. now i'm damn familiar with my parking n stuff le. my shi fu says if i'm consistent i'l pass. IF! haha... den after that met up with michelle for a movie ICE AGE 2. it was damn hilarious. was laughing thruout. think i muz go n watch more of this kind of show. den tonite will be meetin up with chia yan. i think being abt 3 yrs since we last met. haha... so meetin up for a coffee. den tml meeting gang to celebrate my bday at pitstop. one of my friend's cafe. haha... oh ya. n this yr my bday die die also muz hav bday cake. i dun care. so guys pls go n get me a bday cake otherwise i'll go india n buy a cake. den after that hav diahorrea like mad. haha.... oh ya. n i'm goin to stop smoking n drinking le. seriously stop le. even if ppl ard me smoke i'll also stop le. dun wana harm myself anymore. n i'll try to stop goin clubbin. like for tml. i'll b a nice ger n go home with u guys after we hav fun at pit stop. i dun wan to go back to my past life style. its the past. n so it muz b put a stop. now to me after my bday it will b a new start. a new life. haha... wat a lame idea. but i dun care. at least to me its sth new. its sth that i can look forward to. a new life a new start. no more flirting. no more of the bad ger image. gona change it. shld b the nice, independent woman. hahaha.... WOMAN!!! haha.... a nice start ya. 2 relationships gone bcos of my own playfulness n carelessness. no more of that. NO MORE!!! not gona hav it my fault again. i'm goin to b the who's goin to blame n find fault in others. not the other way round any more. enough of that. enough of all the bull shit that i've got. its time to change. a good change. so since i'm goin to change. i might as well start now. otherwise i'll regret one day. which is sth that i dun wan. so no more smoking. no more drinking. no more clubbin. can only do it once every 3 mths or so. no more den that. anyway for a good start i'm not goin clubbin this whole mth. n i'm freaking serious abt it. so no clubbing. only hang out with friends for coffee, shopping, movie n stuffs. haha.... this is my life now. hehe.... glad that i'm feelin better now although i still miss him. haha... but still i'm glad that i've some of my friends who really make an effort in tryin to cheer me up when they are aware that i may start shouting some vulgar insults at them. thanx wen. thanx mich. for making an effort to meet me up when i'm so afraid of being lonely for the past few days. well! its not the end yet. haha.... there's still another wk to go b4 i'm flying off. sooooo.... u guys muz continue to stay by my side k? although i may be irritatin at times or most of the times. but pls bear with me cos this will b over soon. haha.... HOPEFULLY it will be over soon. haha.... i super duper miss him lo. hai.... ARGH!!! anyway remember my bday cake ah. haha...... |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 10:12 AM |
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early in the morning. the moment i woke up. i feel like a living corpse. a zombie without feelings at all. my brain is so freakin empty lo... i juz duno wat to think of anymore. i feel so exhausted, so empty, so lonely. haha.... the whole same routine comes back again. haha.... past few days were really terrible. fortunately wen was there to giv me moral support n able to take my verbal insults. haha.... thanx wen. oh ya n of cos louis, my buddy who went missing for freakin long. haha...i like the way he lecture me. makes me feel like crying yet able to make me laugh. suddenly i'm so incapable of crying. the feelin is there as i feel miserable. but the tears juz wont come. i wan to meet louis soon. i wan to cry out loud. seriously cry out. but the thing is that i cant. my pride juz wont allow. i duno whether its my pride that doesnt allow or that i've experience much more intense pain/hurt that now this doesnt mean anything at all le. i want back my normal life. but its seems so hard to get it back when his image keep appearing in my mind. its like watever i do i'll imagine his reaction to that. n the way he laugh all this. its like there're more happy moments compare to the sad moments lo. n the best thing is that he's able to bring the child in me. the childishness that i seem to lost since young. haha... being with him i really feel damn childish n happy. thats the most impt thing. in the past i always wanted someone who's capable, smart, ambitious, and well to do. although he doesnt really fall into all above category but he manage to make me laugh. really laugh frm the bottom of my heart. i like it. n i enjoy it. but too bad every hav to end like this. i seriously dun wan it to end. not like this. but well!! not everything in life will go the way u wan it to b. so will hav to juz live with it lo. anyway it may b a good thin to end also. 1stly, i kind of feel presurized by his buddy. its like his buddy knw him so well. n his mother likes his buddy more den she like me. i felt so inferior. den another thing is that i duno if my parents can accept him anot. cos its like they hav their expectation as well for the guy that i'm goin to spend my life with. he belongs to the category where my parents may not accept. but still if its my choice they will be still go along with it, as long as he's nice to me n can make me happy can le. tts the thing. n he manage to make me happy. except occasionally when i really feel like smackin his face, when he's late, making me wait. other den that, he's alright. watever la. for now i juz wan to keep myself busy every moment. i dun wan to hav anytime for myself to think of him. so for now its to keep arranging for activities. meetin up with ppl every day. n on wk ends go play mahjong. i'm goin to quit clubbin. its the clubbin thing n pubbing thin that always kill my relationship. i'm not goin to giv it anymore chance of destroyin any other relationship that i'm goin to hav in the future. otherwise i'll b left spending my whole life alone. i dun wan that to happen. i wan to spend my life with someone. someone out there. i very miss the innocent me when i was damn young. haha... when i've not started any relationship yet. sometimes, the 1st step or decision that u make in life is a very impt move. it determinds wat route u've decide for urself, n wat lifestyle u've chosen for urself. how i wish i'm able to go back to the past where i can be like michelle or wen. so innocent. n never wan to take the 1st step in relationship yet. cos once taken that one will most pobably b the husband. tts them. how i wish i can like them! but the truth is i can never b like them. this is like so freaking unfair. y muz life b like this? y muz my life b like this? I FEEL SO DIRTY!!! no longer is the innocent ger who knws nth. but here is the ger who knws practically everything. Which is not good? hai... knwing some things for awareness its a muz. but knwing everything frm A to Z. its not good. haha.... oh dear... wat has bcome of me. i wan to change history, change the past. is it possible. how i wish i can! but in reality i knw i cant. tts the upset truth.... i hate it. sometimes i juz cant help it but wish that i can be in a coma for awhile. at least i dun hav to face the reality. i dun hav to knw the truth n face it n watever consequences that comes with it. i seriously wans to run away. run away frm the truth. from the reality n live in my whole world. is that possible? i hate the idea of wakin up every day, facin the world. i think tts one of the reason y i love to slp so much. n when i dream i love to dream as much as possible. or even if a dreamless slp... i would b grateful for it. cos when u're aslp u dun hav to think of anythin at all. tts life. n i love it that way. n i wan to live it that way. but is it possible? tts my question. to live the way i wan it to b. sounds nice rite? but how many ppl actually get to live life the way they wan it to b? not many. or rather i would a minimun percentage of ppl. n those min percentage of ppl are actually ppl who are damn rich. who dun hav to b bothered with daily expenditures. but we as normal average ppl. we do. so sometimes we will juz hav to wake up frm our dreams n start to live everyday as its suppose to b. this is life. anyway watever it is. i juz wan to go back to my normal life. whereby every day i'll feel happy that i'm alive. n lookin forward to go to work. den after work its either meet up with friends to chill out or go home n slack. thats the life that i wan. not this kind of life whereby i feel so miserable to the extend that i can b emotionless. i dun wan that. anyway i'll giv him n myself until 31 May., which is his bday to think abt it. cos for the mean time i wan to keep myself occupied with my bday n my india trip. after which when i come back i wan to go do sth abt my hair. its time to change a new hair style. gona get it done after i'm back frm india. den after which i'll be having my driving test. this time die die also hav to go n take le. otherwise hav to retake my advance theory which i dun wan to. so after my driving test when every thing is back to normal n when i'm back to normal as well den i'll look for him lo. lets settle it this way ba. hehe..... |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:11 AM |
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WTF! WTF! WTF! WTF! I'M PISSED. I'M UPSET. I'M HURT. I'M ......... SPEECHLESS. i duno how things end up this way. but seriously i'm so damn fu-cking disappointed to the maximum. how can this hav happen? but den again who says that this cant happen... i seriously feel damn bloody screwed lo. WTF!!! ARGH!!!! i m so hurt, angry n worst of all i feel so foolish n cheated. haha... i duno if i should b crying bcos of my hurt or shld i be laughing at my own stupidity. i feel like doin both but i cant. ARGH!!!! we both agree to giv each other time to change. but he has not. Wat the hell!! i felt upset in the beginning. slowly this upset starts to change to anger. i duno how to describe this. its like i need ppl to be by my side now. but yet i cant find any. hav i being such a lousy frien? i asked him if i've being such a lousy gf. now everyone is makin me wondering if i'm such a lousy frien as well.... m i so lousy to the extend that when i need a frien to accompany me i can find no one? so now tis is me. lousy at everything. lousy at all the roles that i'm suppose to play. to my parents, i'm a lousy daughter. to my brother, i'm a lousy sister. to my buddies, i'm a lousy buddy. to my friends, i'm a lousy frien. n now to him, i'm a lousy gf.... i didnt knw that i'm so fu-cking lousy. i juz play the role which i think i'm suppose to be. n try to make the best out of it. n yet in the end, i got nth but gainin the reputation of being a lousy role player. if thats the case den god, u shldnt even giv me any role at all. i shouldnt even hav existed. with my existence, it will only bring sadness to everyone n mayb even disturbance. haha..... y created me? i see no pt in creating me. by creating me, by giving me life, u're only bringing more trouble to everyone that is ard me. not only so, but u're also bringing more unhappy moments to everyone. y bother to do so? its not as if by creating this life, u've make a big change in this whole world. as if i can save lots of ppl, like jesus. or like our minister who manage to bring wealth n glamour to singapore. i'm no one n i can do nothing. if i can bring happiness to everyone ard me. i dun ind having such a life. i tried to bring happiness to everyone ard me. but i achieve nth. n in the end, wat i got was only sadness n more sadness... if thats the case. y created me? haha.... no one understand wat i'm goin thru. or rather no one sympethise with me. as in my situation. i knw i look like a fu-ckin flirt, or rather some ppl look at me as if i'm a bitch or slut. but i dun giv a damn. cos i knw i'm not wan. its not as if i wan to flirt. its juz a damn natural ting. at least i'm better den those who slp ard. well! at least i dun. but ppl dun understand. whenever i'm in or out of relationship. ppl will look at it as if i'm playing ard. but i'm not. when i'm in a relationship i seriously put feelings into it. n i trust n hope that it will lead to something. but at the end of the day. i'm always the one who got hurt. seriously hurt. i knw that it has got to do with y flirtin. but the thing is who can understand frm my pt of view. its not as if i flirt on purpose. but i juz duno that i'm flirting. its a very natural part of me. but yet ppl look at it as if i'm doin it on purpose. i mean y shld i be doin it on purpose when i'm in love with someone else. i dun see y isit that i've to hurt the other party. its not sth that i wan. its sth that comes frm me naturally. n i'm tryin to change it. but i need time. TIME!!! can anyone understand this word TIME!!!! ppl dun understand. n expects me to change immediately. i'm juz a mere human. not god. not super human. how can anyone expect me to change within mins, or seconds? ARGH!!!! but this is life? oh dear.... god can u send someone who can really sympethise with me. n understand my situation. or juz someone who can stay by my side whenever i need him or her. i knw its unfair. but if that person stay by my side whenever i need him or her. i'm so damn willing to giv my life to him or her. he or she can juz take it lo. i'm serious abt this. cos i knw its not easy to find someone like this. n i dun need many. i juz need one. ONE will b more den enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ i've seriously put in feelings into this relationship. dun juz take it off like this. i'm askin you to reconsider it. everything is not final yet. well, at least i'm tryin to make myself think so. haha... i feel so stupid to say all this. but tts wat i wan to say. i knw u dun like me to flirt ard. n i've tried to seriously change. i'm sorry to juz walk away like this. cos i cant stand the sight of u playing cards with J anymore. its so unfair to me where i've to seat there n do nth. try standing in my position n think abt the whole situation. wats more its up to u to believe it or not. the grp of guys siting beside us, are ppl whom i got knw on the same day where i got to knw. n they hav given me a nick name of michelle suai. cos tt nite when we juz got to knw one another i lost in every game that i played with them. its not as if i'm there to knw them lo.... if u'r upset abt it. den hav u tot how i feel when u're playing cards with J most of the time? hai..... i duno how to put it la. anyway i feel that u've doubts on wat i say regarding taking a cab home ALONE. i'm serious. i left alone, without anyone . went into devils alone n leave devils alone. i went to devils cos i seriously hav no idea where to go. but once i reach there within 15 mins i left. 1st time, i left devils so early, as in within such a short period of time. cos i start to feel guilty. i kwn u dun like it. so it will not b nice for me to stay there. tts the truth. up to u to decide. n whether u believe it anot.... hopefully u'll get to see this msg. although i doubt that u'll get to see it. but i juz keep hopin n praying. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:28 AM |