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Sometimes i juz wonder how worst can life be? in the 3rd world country, ppl are struggling to survive. As long as they manage to get food, it will be good enough. The worst situation will be that they dont get food, and their beloved ones start to pass away. in our world, food means nothing. its juz a neccessity. we do not knw the neccessities, we do not knw the importance of it. instead what is impt to us, are money, latest fashion n the latest technologies. the worst situation is when we are unable to get all this latest stuff. without it, many ppl wont b able to survive cos they are juz so used to their presence. tts the worst scenario in life. everything is all abt money. regardless 3rd world or our world, money is the essential part of life. its not everything. but it does make wonders. without it, you wont be able to get even the most basic neccessities of life. anyway lets juz change topic. all of a sudden i juz realise that i'm juz typically no one to anyone. i dun belong to anyone at all. always so alone. even though i've a bf. but i dun belong to him, neither does he belongs to me. belong in such a way that we hav one another every now n den. we go out together, stick by one another, hang out together. its like a everynow n den thing. used to have a couple of friends like this. but after since graduated, no longer able to find such friends anymore. i kind of feel sad n lonely at times. somehow think that will only happen when u're studying. ok. enough of all this. for now i juz wan to go home. stupid bi*ch asked me to stay to wait for a stupid fax. i cant believe it. i'm siting here doin nth, juz to wait for a stupid fax when i'm damn fu*kin sick with a running fever. ARGH!!! someone please send for help! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 5:09 PM |
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Oki. Last nite hav a show dwn with him. got everything clarified. i felt better. but still i'm goin to change. there will be a drastic change in me. I'm kind of alighten by him. its a good thing. i'm a damn stupid n insensitive person. i'm so used to having my way with others that i didnt take note of others feeling. cos i'm so always given wat i want. well! all this hav to change. i'm goin to change. last nite when he told me abt all my faults, i kind of felt disgusted with myself. n its bcos of me that he's contacting back his ex. anyway he's still with me. i'm well-prepared that he will leave me anytime. i wont be bothered. i wan to stick with him cos i wan to learn. i wan to learn to be a good ger. how to b more sensitive to others. there are so many things that i need to learn from him in order to be a better person. tts y i cant leave him yet. since he's makin use of me. i shall make use of him as well. tts wat i'l do. although i wont deny that i still love him. but after last nite i'm prepare for him to leave me. ppl ask me y dont i leave him now. i can learn all the things that he's capable to teaching me from others. y muz it be him? well the reason is simple, he dare to scold me, he dare to point out my mistake and not worry of the consequences. not like others. tts the thing abt him that i admire. so y not? he can make me a better person, teach me how to accept my mistake, make me endure him. this are good enough reason for me to stay by his side. so he's making use of me as a substitude, i shall make use of him to help make myself a better person. i used to think of getting married to him if there's such a possibility. however, all the thoughts of such prospect will never rise again. i will not look into it or even mention abt it again, cos i'll never marry a man who dont love me at all. anyway even if i were to spent the 3 yrs with him, i'll only b 23. i'm still young. i can still afford for another relationship. so giv myself max 3 yrs to change for the better. a whole lot better. i need the change. i muz hav the change. so will juz hold onto this whole meaningless relationship. if his ex comes back to him, i'll juz leave. its juz that simple. i wont deny that when that happens i'll be hurt. i wont deny that there will be one day that i'll love him all over again. but i'll juz hav to accept the fact. i NEED to accept the fact, the reality. so i've to prepare myself for it. for the past few days since i knew the truth, i've being very upset, cant even see my usual smile, and always in the daze or crying state. however, since after last nite i realise i cant cry anymore. n i cant feel the self guilty, n self pitiness anymore. in fact i cant seem to be upset. i cant even FEEL upset. in face i'm so energize that i kept on working although i'm hurtin like mad inside. my heart is aching very strongly. cos i knw i've to stop myself from loving him, to concile all my feelings inside or even diminish the slightest feelings towards him. my heart recognise this feeling n its starting to ache badly. but wat m i suppose to do. i need to be strong, i need to survive and learn to live without him. tts wat i need to do. tts y i'm having a brave front. but yet deep inside its hurting like mad. its hurting horribly. still i believe time will heal everything. so juz let time pass by while it heals by itself. anyway m starting to plan on how m i goin my future will be, as in how m i goin to use my money and wat m i goin to get for myself every mth, as a short term goal. den after that my studies and stuff like that. anyway i intend to get a 1.0 carat diamond ring for myself during my 21st bday. i suppose saving ard $500 per mth will be more den enough rite? hopefully so. think now all these are my moral support. and the only few things that helps to keep me moving only. so i cannot lose all this. Once i lose my goal, i think i'll b lost once more. i cant afford to be lost again. i'm always lost when i'm in a relationship. i dun wan that to happen anymore. when i'm lost, i knw nth n aware of nth except him. tts my weak point. i dun wan that, n i dun need that to happen. so juz live life as per normal n go towards my goal. my dear friends, juz wish me all the best k? regardless of whether i'm wrong or right, please still giv me ur moral support. juz lent me ur shoulder to cry on, ur listenings ears, tonnes of tissues and a pat on my shoulder to say that 'mitchell, my dear ger, u've done well! continue with the hard work. i'll always be here to stand by you!' tts all. please dun critise me, scold me or ignore me. i've enough of all these. think if i'm hurt i juz need all this encouragement n i'll stand up again. PLEASE UNDERSTAND!!! thank you! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 2:35 PM |
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my Heart is aching very badly since sat nite. it has not stop aching at all. Now i knw that i'm in love with someone who dont loves me at all. n i've to act like nth has ever happen. like he still loves me although i knw the truth. i'm hurtin badly. i knw the truth but yet i cant do anythin. i felt so helpless. i cant save myself. i'm drownin. i'm dying off slowly. i knw it. but i cant save myself. I CANT! i knw the truth. all the truth. where his heart belongs. i knew it. but i cant confide him in that, i cant go straight to him n ask him. i cant do anything at all. but juz to act like nth happen. smile at him, accept whatever he's giving me, keep quiet n continue to hurt inside. this is not the mitchell that alot of ppl knw. not the straight forward, hot tempered girl every one knws. no longer that mitchell. i duno how i manage to change till like that. i can never tolerate such things. but here i'm tolerating n accepting it as my retribution. i think its time for my retribution. n soon, he will leave me cos he can no longer accept my exsistance in his life. tts how things will b i think. soon it will happen. i wont wan it to happen, cos i knw i'll fall badly. but i knw it will come. i wan nth. i dun wan his money. i juz wan his heart, his love and a normal relationship. i knw it mayb juz a monotone thing but i juz wan it as that. is that too much to request? i think mayb for my case it juz may b too hard for me to hav it. i will juz hav to accept the fact that, i'm so damn dirty that the ger dun even wans to go back to his bed. n that i'm so worthless that he can msg her saying he love her n waiting for her to come back while i'm with him n that i'm juz beside him. is that how worthless i'm? the way he treat me? i dun need it. cos to me knw its all juz pity n generosity that he's providing me with. i dun need all this. i dun need pity and all the false treatment, concern or everythin that he gave me. I DONT NEED IT! i can get all this frm everyone so i dun need it from him at all. i wan to juz forget n forgive. i'm tryin to forgiv him. but the problem is who m i to forgive him? he dun even need my forgiveness at all. who m i? with or without me he still survive. with or without my forgiveness, he will still continue with his life n his affair. i meant nth to him at all. i'm juz a worthless person. juz someone, a passerby who manage to hop onto the same train as he is in, manage to bump onto him, n started to fall in love with him. at the end, when its time, he will chase me out of the train n proceed on with his journey, keep searchin for the one he loves cos the one he loves has left him earlier taking another train. he is searching for the stop that she's in n will start to travel over, in between picking up other gers juz to accompany him. i'm juz one of those gers. n i hate myself for being one of those gers. i hate myself for being so cheapstake, so worthless to b one of those gers. hate myself for loving him, hate myself for being one of his passerby, hate myself for who i'm n who i've turn out to be. i juz hate myself. |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:05 AM |
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      Its abit late. However, i still manage to hav it on. its being awhile since i got pics being load up. all this neoprints are taken on 16Sept (Sat) at cineleisure. think its being awhile since we took all these neoprints. i seriously love it alot. i even had one of it printed n stick on my computer. juz love it. hehe. |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 3:13 PM |
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Seriously, sometimes i feel like smacking some ppl upside dwn. y are there such idiotic ppl on earth? i juz dun understand, how is it possible? ARGH!!! to me they are juz so idiotic, to them they may find me so as well. haha. everyone will just keep complaining non-stop. no one will ever be satisfied with everything given. In the past, he asked me this qns, 'dear will you get bored if u were to see me everyday?' n i replied 'No.' Now, he's the one who got bored of seeing me. WTF!!! seriously i hate him like mad. he better knw his limit. cos one day if he were to step beyond the zone, i'll ignore him to the max. To me, he's one hell of a impt person. Past few wks i've being wondering how impt is he to me. it was till last nite den i realise that he's much more impt to me den i tot he was. i wont deny that i like XLG. but if i were to hav XLG replaced him, i dun think i'll allow that. mayb if one day he were to leave me, den i'll look for others. otherwise i dun think i'll leave him. think he's juz too impt for me le. i duno how n i duno why, he actually manage to dig his way into my heart. well!! i muzt admire him for doin so. cos with his type of character i dun think i'll be able to accept it. but yet i manage to accept it. tts the amazing part. haha. |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 5:24 PM |
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MORNING!!! I'm still in a daze state. Feel so stony. But something juz came into mind. i was reflecting on the recent events that i've being thru and the email that i read earlier on. it was an email regarding how our life shld be, abt a man tryin to cover as much land as possible by kept running across the never-ending land. n in the end, when he's abt to die due to the lack of food, water and rest, he den realised wat's the need for all those land when he didnt even hav the chance to enjoy it since he's goin to die now. the moral of the story: to treasure what we have, instead of just work our life away, do spend some personal time doing things that we enjoy, spend time with our loved ones, enjoy their company. Money is not everything, although i wont deny that money is the primarily factor needed to survive. but again its not everything. we still hav our other secondary factors that is needed to make our life whole. after reading the email and i start to think back abt my life; actually its quite true. i mean i can hav all the money in the world but i've no TRUE friends at all. No one to b there when u need them. NO REAL, SINCERE CONCERN. wat you have are juz to artificial things. Nothing will be real. when you're lonely, you can buy acquaintances. when you're sick, you can have yourself treated with the best doctor n medicine. when you want woman/man, you can pay for prostitudes. when you have money you can do all this. but money can never buy respect, love, family, happpiness, genuine care and concern, people/feelings that doesnt need money to buy or exchange. thats the difference. but still there are alot of ppl so blinded with juz the primarily need in life that they forgot all about the secondary need that actually makes their life whole. Being out to work for quite awhile. Start to realise that life at work is not easy. Not as easy as youngsters think it is. In fact, once you start working, and when all the bills start to flow into your hands, that's when the real nightmare starts to come about. once step into the working world, start earning your money, u will not wan to stop earning it. tts when u'll only think of abt money and work. Slowly, very slowly, work will start to eat into every part of ur life, ur time, ur happiness. with this working attitude, wanting things to b done even though u're being paid peanuts, all the personal life will be taken up. while i was having my travel fair, i practically dun get to see my parents at all. always busy working ot. den when i've the time i can only manage to meet my bf. n when i do meet up with him, i'll b too tired to even talk to him, only to nod my head when he talks and smile at his silly jokes once in awhile. other den that i seriously dun feel like doin anything. There was even once when i was too tired to even move. That kind of lifestyle is totally meaningless. Life was nth except work. Work Work Work Work N Work!!!! that was life. But once after the fair. Once i've recover from my tireness. i'm starting to get my life back. I went shopping and clubbing twice this week. n i really spend my time there all the way till 4, 5am in the morning. Last wk i was sick so i need to recupate. In the end i only went to club on sat, Amanda's bday. Was at momo all the way till 530 am in the morning. i think this is really call life. u work hard n u play hard. tts the real defination of life. Well! At least to me thats call life. think abt it. i realise actually i'm consider lucky. at least i got my family, a damn irritating bf, a doting XLG and a couple of good friends to accompany me. Think this is good enough. in life its not the quantity that counts, its the quality that matters. however, not many ppl realise that. they always go for quantity instead of quality. numbers always matter most to the public. but yet deep inside i believe there will be minority who knws that all this numbers are just passer-by. not many will stay. Like i've 600 odd contacts but how many m i really staying contact with? at the end of the day, those numbers are just for display. gradually, you will juz start to forget who is the person when finally one day he/she contact you, or when u're too many similar names n starting to clear the unused names. that happens to me so countless of times till i no longer feel guilty or weird anymore. it jus seems so normal to do it. haha.. |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 9:52 AM |
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| Went clubbin on wed nite. wasnt really in a good mood. so met up with vince at bugis to shop den went to dbl o with amanda. met reuben, jess and the others there. think reuben wanted to hav an affair with me. but not interested. wat surprise me most was later part of the nite, XLG went dwn to meet me. den we were having fun there. but suddenly i was attacked by the worst thing on earth, MIGRAIN. Bloody hell. juz bcos of that i wansin terrible pain the whole nite. Luckily XLG was there to help massage my head. den i felt better. but still i was in pain the whole nite. in the end i didnt went to work the next day. slpt the whole day den went to jurong to see a doc den to dear's place to slp. den early this morning, while i was on my way out, i went to his kitchen to check my clothes that were being put in the washing machine the nite b4. n guess wat i found, another woman's lingeria. den i ask his maid where she found this, she said in his room. i was furious. so i msg him if he was unfaithful to me. den he called n start to ask what the hell is wrong with me. i told him abt the lingeria thing den he explain to me saying that he brought the lingeria to his ex-gf. but tot that was mine. i was like how can it be. he seen my slping gown b4. he shld b aware. anyway i was too lazy to persue further. if he wans it to be that way. den let it b. if he were to really hav an affair den let it be. i'm super duper tired in keepin track, tired in guessin if he was really havin an affair and stuff like this. Really too tired. as long as i didnt see it i dun wan to knw it. if i were to see it den mayb i'll do sth abt it. anyway XLG will be getting married next yr. think i'll b very sad abt it ba. no matter wat he's still my XLG. someone that i'm fond of. someone that i like. juz wish him all the best ba. hehe |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 12:06 PM |
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DAMN IT!!! My heart is hurting. Its like as if its being wrap up by an anonymous item, an unknowing force that starts to curl itself round my heart, tightening its grip every now and then. My heart is tryin to function, trying to pump more blood into other parts of my body. But its suffocating. My heart cant move! All the muscles are being resticted by the unknowing force. At first, when this unknowingly force makes itself known to my heart, it helps to warm my heart. Giving it the relevant/needed warmth that it lack of, making sure that it is kept save from external assault. As time goes by, it starts to increase its warmth, its temperature around my precious heart, making it more comfortable and much more aware of this unseen force that surrounds it, making my heart so warmth and comfortable so that it can be drawn it away from independence and starts to rely on this heat and protection that it's providing. However, when my heart starts to get used to this heat, starts to love this heat. This force, this unknowing force that emits this warmth/heat starts to rebel. Without any warning, without any signal, it starts to tighten its grip ard my heart, emiting more heat then it should. Now my heart is no longer sweating, in fact its starting to cry. It is frighten! Cos it is so in pain. It is starting to bleed! My heart wants to die! As death is the only way to escape, the only way to freedom, the only way to heaven. But how can it die now? Once it dies off, it means that all other organs will start to malfunction or rather it will stop functioning itself as well. This cannot happen. This cannot be it. But what is my heart goin to do? Is there no way to escape? Someone please lend a helping hand. Do help this poor little heart!!! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 3:11 PM |
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Its being quite awhile since i update the events of my life. Well! being very busy with the Natas fair. was being asked to handle some tasks which were all quite tedious. almost make me suffocate to death. luckily i manage to survive, but with quite a lousy reputation now. was somehow being black listed by my boss all bcos of my detestful manager. seriously hate her to the core. anyway, i still manage to survive till the end of NATAS. afterwhich i was on MC for 2 days. was so sick that that i cant even wake up and stand straight. was slping for the past 2 days, till now i'm not still not really in the clear state of mind. den on the 2nd day of my mc i was forced to go dwn to my office area for a gathering session, had dinner and KTV with my colleagues. anyway had fun singing with them. n from there i got addicted to singing again. den on wed i bought a bag, a PINK bra (omg, never ever dream of wearing a pink bra. its the 1st time, amazing rite), 2 boxes of mooncake from Marriott hotel which cost me $82. ARGH!!! that was so damn ex. its my 1st time getting mooncakes and its like so freaking expensive. but well, its for my family and for his family, so at least still worth it. then yesterday i'm afraid that the moon cakes i bought for him will not b enough so i went to get another box of mooncake from bengawan solo. after getting it then i realise its abit too cheapskate, i mean for his family. freakin rich family eating bengawan solo??? hmm. sounds abit weird right? anyway in the end i think i'll still giv the 2 boxes of mooncakes to him. now i've like spend more than 100 on the mooncakes. ARGH! damn broke le. think marriott will be the loyal brand that i'll rely on in the future when it comes to mooncake. cos their mooncakes are really nice even though its slightly much more expensive. one box of mooncake is equal to 2 boxes of normal mooncake. but its juz so damn nice. the filling of the durain mooncake is not those normal paste that adds flavouring but its filled with real durain flesh. REAL DURAIN FLESH! thos who loves durain will be in love with it once you try it. cos when u put the whole thing into your mouth it just melts away. (sorry michelle i didnt mean to talk abt durain but its just that i love it so much) den after that on my way to his place, i went to look for 2 pomelos. carrying 2 heavy boxes of mooncake walkin ard. hai... so mafan! but still hav to do it! |
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MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 10:19 AM |