  |   |
|
|
|
finally manage to reach home early. its has being days ever since i'm home early. for the past 3 nights hav being only slpin for an average of 3hrs. surprised that i still managed to work n survive thru every day. haha... all thanx to the amt of green tea that i drink, the jokes that my colleagues share with me n of cos non other den the cigs that i got. oh ya! almost cannot make it tdy. was abt to fall aslp. need to take a puff but do not hav any cigs on hand. out of no where, vincent asks me to meet him for a puff at my office lobby. wow! he came the rite time. he's my saviour. wat a bro i've got. thanx man! schedule is so packed but it juz seem so meaningless to me. all the wking are juz for the money. n the money are for the stuffs that i've got n to afford for my expenses. thats all. nth else. hav being hearing alot of things. bein advised to do lots of stuffs, lots of encouragements as well. thanx alot bros. i'm aware of what i'm supposed to do now. thanx for all the guidance. really love you guys alot. |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 7:45 PM |
|
|
|
fri nite was full of excitment. went for interview, a movie(cinderalla man) n coffee at dome with louis, den went to dbl o with bro n his friends. met a couple of friends n cute guys there. drank a sex on the beach, a waterfall n 2 lumogini. wanted to b a good ger, tried to stay n look decent with my jacket on but somehow was being pissed off by someone so took it off. haha... in the end managed to get a couple of attentions. had a couple of dance parters. it was kind of fun. den after dbl o, went drinkin red wine with my friends all the way till 430pm in the noon. went home to bath, change den went to town to meet fish to catch 'the myth' den went to work at 10pm. was kind of tirin. but i think its worth it. at least i make full use of my time. n the most impt thing is that i enjoy it. juz came back from a smoking session with louis, a er shi si siao nan ren, very coinsiderate, sincere, and sensitive man. he actually send me to take a look at my pup n send me home when i requested for it. really damn happy about it. its like i've not visited my pup for 2 mths n really do missed him alot. glad that i managed to see it juz now. duno when will i b able to see it again. hai... anyway, earlier on heard news that breaks my heart again. but kind of getting used to it. this is life. so filled with ups n downs. without all the sadness there wont b happiness. we've no choice but to live with it. haha... but m glad that it didnt affect me much. not like the past. this is a good improvement. plus with my up n comin schedule i wont b havin the time to think much as well. its all abt work work n work. working 18 hrs a day, n left with only 4 hrs of slp. life is so meaningless n so tiring. juz hope that i dun fall ill. haha... Thanx Louis, with sincere gratitude. Thanx for bein there for me all this while. glad that i stil hav you. without you i dun think i'll be able to recover so quickly. all the movies, coffees, chats, smses, n smokin sessions really do help. thanx alot. but pls do not mistaken me as Mel k? i know that u're interested in her. but i'm not her lo. doesnt really sound nice when u mistaken me for her. (u knw wat i'm saying. so in the future do b more careful k?) hehe... do take care n i'll see you soon, ya? corspe bride is coming soon..... lets catch it together k? :D |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 2:55 AM |
|
|
|
oh dear oh dear... last nite i puke again... haha... yesterday morning i went for my papers. it was the toughest paper out of all papers. think goin to flung it. i cant even crap things out. hai.... after the papers i was damn tired. juz dun understand why. juz hav the feeling of slacking at home the next few days. tts y in the end on wed nite i cancelled the clubbing thing. went to seletar instead. take a puff n eat some snacks with Louis, my buddy. haha. m having more n more buddies this days. kind of love it man...... den last min was informed to go and meet my aunt for a fortune tellin session. paid 130 for that session which consist of the tellin of ur life n changin my chi name characters. the way to call is still the same, its juz the characters itself is changed. was told that i'm a man in disguise. haha. hav the character of a man but a body of a woman. even my thinkin is like a man. m hot tempered n gets aggitated easily. this is due to the name that i hav. too much fire in it. den he also say that i've to study overseas. if i were to study in singapore whatever i study will not b put into used. well! thats juz wat i was thinkin. haha... yah!!! i will b goin overseas man. its juz my life. haha... wat else? hmmm.... oh ya he also say that i'll only get married at the age of 25 - 28, i'l hav a good husband, n having 2 kids is not a problem. but dun get a husband who's 3,4 or 6 yrs older den me. cos we will keep quarreling. ya, abt all. there are many other things but dun really remember. roughly like this la. after that, went to meet huiting n catch brothers grimm. quite a nice movie. but b4 the movie we went to scotts Blush! n bought some lingeria. n guess wat. i spend 60 there n the day b4 i spend 350 on 2 pairs of spects n 3 pairs of contact lenses at ngee ann. in total within this 2 days i spent 570(includin the fortune telling session). n i'm left with nothing. i'm broke. my wallet is empty n i dun even hav a single cent to go home at all. my ezlink card value is -ve. feel so pathetic. den i told louis abt it n he asks for my acc no. haha.. sayin that he wants to transfer money over. i said no. i dun wan that. den by rite i'm suppose to go momo so i called my bro to inform him that i'll not b goin le. damn broke. dun even hav money to go home how to go clubbin. initially he says ok. but in the end while i was watchin the movie, he called n says that he wans to meet me at orchard. so i went to meet up with him after the movie. n he persuaded me to go momo. he will take care of me tonite. haha. in the end he paid for dinner, entrance n even the drinks. well! he's not alone. he has his friends as well. all of them are members so they hav drinks left. b4 the whole event started we drank 2 bottles of red wine n 1 bottle of house vodka. den my bro still open another bottle of vodka. n there's only 4 of us lo. drink till like mad. this is really madness. after that i went to the dance floor to look for russell n sabrina. kind of like meet them there so they asked me to go dance floor. ended up i'm the only one who dance at the poledum. but it was fun. damn fun. initally was dancing alone. den a guy by the name of joell join me. den there's this another guy whose name i dun remember ask me to dance with him as well. den surprisingly sheng yuan came to the poledum n look for me, didnt knw that he'll b there ...... i was dancing fine at the poledum until sheng yuan n the other guy pulled me down. i was kind of force to dance with them. i prefer the poledum to the floor. the view is always much better n its not as squeezy. anyway i was stuck in between them. this was worst den last fri. last fri i was caught in between 3 or 4 guys rite? but they dun grab hold of me tightly i can juz go to anyone. last nite, sheng yuan n the other guy, they're like havin a competition. i was really sandwich by them. both of them are grabbin hold of me damn tightly. each take turns to grab hold of my waist. its terrible.. haha... but its quite fun. really dance all the way. until i cant take it anymore, with the way i dance with them, i cant breathe. so i went back to the bar. dance there n drink there. until i cant take it anymore i puke le. haha... on my leg n my bro's leg. hahaha.... kind of disgustin rite? but who cares at that pt of time? well! i dun care. haha... den in the end my bro's frien send me home. hehe.... now the worst thing happened. the guy who send me home actually try to take advantage of me. wat the fu*k. its like i'm high n i puke but i'm not drunk. i still knw my way home. i'm still aware of wats happening. he wanted to kiss me n he's touching me. i told him to stop wat he's doin. den when he didnt. i pushed him away. almost wanted to slap him. but come to think of it. he's also very high le. so dun blame him. but i juz dun like it. i dun like ppl that i dun love to kiss me. oh ya! talkin abt kissing, while on the dance floor, sheng yuan almost kiss me... how can that b happening? we're friends for like 3 yrs. comin to 4. he stand by me when i was at the lowest point of my life 2 or 3 yrs back. we are good friends. crap ard with one another. laugh at one another n tell our problems to one another at times. n he's attached. well! i was stunned. but come to think of it again. he's high le. really high le. haha... anyway still enjoy myself alot. its like i'm getting bored of clubbin. wanted to rest n hide into my cocoon for awhile. but with all my friends, buddies n brothers i dun think i can. but look at it this way. its kind of good la. cos i'll not hav time to think abt others. juz enjoy life man. tts it. later still hav to go out. goin for a interview. getting a wkend job at sony. pays 7 per hr with commission. not bad ahhh... hmmm.... think i'll b goin to wk my life away. haha. if i get this job as well. i'll wking everyday. mon to fri at the agency, sat n sun at sony, n 2 to 3 nites at xchange. wow!!! sometimes i really wonder how i manage to do it. haha.... |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:58 AM |
|
|
|
juz came back frm wk. its a very short day for me. only manage to wake up at 4pm den start to look for designs for my blog. trying to change a template. den while trying to change my template, i received a call from ngee ann.. ... was asked y didnt i go down to get my appeal results? i was stunned. i tot i was supposed to get it only tml. was somehow being lectured by the caller. after that was informed that i'll be having one of my papers tml at 2pm. i was shocked. n the worst thing is, the paper tml is international biz. its the toughest paper of all, well, that was wat i was being told. so all the best to me man! anyway, wats the pt of being shocked? i wont make the effort to study anyway. will only read thru the hr b4 the paper. so it doesnt really matter. the thing that bothers me is that i've to go back to np in the morning juz to get my appeal results so that i can go for the paper. so i've to wake up at abt 7am to go over to np, get the results den slack all the way till 2 to go for my papers. after that go home n slp den goin clubbin, again. hai... was being asked to go clubbin with one of my friends, rejected her a couple of times le. so dun tink will b nice to reject her again. so juz go lo. the problem is, i'll be havin another paper at 9am on thu morning. wat the fu*k. i think i'm goin to die again. its like i practically hav no time to slp n rest at all. after my paper that ends at 11am, i'll be meetin my frien to catch a movie n den shop. den will be goin to club again at momo. its a party thingi so was being approached by sabrina to go. never go clubbin with her b4. so was somehow tempted to go. haha. its like i wont hav the time to rest at all until fri. oh my god!!! isnt this great! i wont hav the time for myself at all. haha... so dun hav to think so much. juz need to keep all my schedule as pack as possible. thats it! thats the way to go man!!! earlier on while wking, i chatted with gan tei(god father), he told me abt his divorce, n abortion thingi, things that he did when he was younger. den i asked him this, 'dun u ever regret?' guess wat he said? this is wat he told me, ' in life, we do make mistakes. admit it n acknowledge all the mistakes we made, what matter most is that we must know how to na de qi, fan de sia. thats the most impt thing. n in life make only ONE regret. that will be more den enough.' when i hear this. i was so stunned. its true. one regret is more den enough. what happen to us most of the times, is that when we make the wrong decision or wrong move, we will juz seat down n start to cry over it, n start regretin watever moves we made. well! it shouldnt b that way. we shld admit it, look at it, den stand up n move on. thats the way life is suppose to be. anyways, had some wonderful dreams last nite. but kind of weird. well! i shouldnt b surprised as dreams are always non sensical. i dreamt that we actually manage to patch up n den out of no where, my dad appeared, n we are out somewhere having steamboat n bbq. the environment seems to be at a chalet. n i need to smoke, so i juz light up a cig n my dad stared at me. haha. thats it. some told me that dreams are usually the makings of our subconcious mind. so mayb wat i dreamt of are things that i wanted or i'm still afraid of. e.g. patching up is sth that i wan, having a chalet n bbq with my family is sth that i missed terribly. used to hav it every yr when i was younger but the tradition has stopped. the smokin thing, well, m juz afraid that my parents wont b able to accept it. tts all. well! somehow its really the makings of my subconcious mind ba. its like everythin is so abt me. abt wat i wan, wat i hope for, n wat i'm afraid of. haha... wat a dream. ok only left like 3 hrs of beauty slp. juz hope that i will be able to wake up on time man. otherwise i'll be in deep shit again. haha... |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 3:13 AM |
|
|
|
kind of feelin weird tdy. seems to hav a feelin that sth is gona happen soon. the troubling thing is that i duno if its a good sign or a bad wan. but anyway who cares. the worst is over. so juz live life as it is. bein to work yesterday. met a couple of new ppl. n found a scuba diving kaki. after 2 years of having the thought. finally found one. most pro will go for the course in feb. after the monsoon season is over ba. hav been thinkin alot recently. juz wonder y are humans so similar yet so diff. similar in a way that we will hav this tendency to pick on others fault n over look their goodness without even considerin the effort they contributed or the things they do previously. to us, doin it right is juz a very normal thing. but once u do sth wrong, or not performing as per normal, they will think that its juz so wrong. i believe its bcos due to past performance, their expectations are being set. n at any pt of time once u dun meet up with their expectations they will start to think that you are slacking n not doin ur best. but the problem is, sometimes, environmental n situational issues do matter. ppl dun always act in the same manner in all situations. they will tend to change as each situation is given to them. no one will ever stay the same way. but sometimes, humans juz dun get it. we juz react n act in whichever way we wan. tts juz so us. come to think of it, since young, doin the things rite is suppose to b the way, this is a phrase that my dad alway says. was never ever being praised by doin things rite, or even when i do well for my papers. to him getting things done correctly is juz the way life is. but by not getting things done in a correct manner, that is juz so damn wrong. shld get punishment for it. so mayb this is really how life is suppose to b. thinkin back, mayb bcos of this rule that my dad has enforced in our life, makes me wanted to hav everything perfect ba. so somehow this also affect my expectations for others. anyway back to my topic. humans are so different in a way that we react to situations differently, look at issues differently, n even feel differently. everyone is juz so different. similarities and differences are juz yi sian zi cha. so how diff and how similar can 2 person b? its always this case, so similar yet so different. haha... for now, juz wana live life as it is. anyway thanx god, the worst is over. thanx for sendin those new ppl that i met these few days. they hav really help alot. juz need to get back my momentum in life n den everything will truely b fine, again. haha..... life is juz as such! this has bcome so my phrase le. haha... LIFE IS JUZ AS SUCH! -_-" |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 2:39 PM |
|
|
|
finally manage to meet up with jess n prisc at paragon coffee bean, our usual hang out place, yesterday nite.... i was late for 45 mins. haha cos was stuck at home watchin tv... when i reached there, there's 2 couples siting face to face. i feel so weird. but after awhile juz got used to it. den waited till abt 10pm, miranda n 2 of her guy friends came to pick me up n proceed to momo. their names are hmmmm... andy n aaron. got along quite well with them. after we reach momo got to see janelle, her bf n joanne. den seated, chat, play 5 10, n drink. there's nth else for us to do. wanted to dance badly. but the music were all techno, even those r & b songs are being mix with techno. its sucks like hell man. starting to regret goin over. den one of my frien, wesley came. but b4 that while i was dancin half way, someone called me. i turned over n guess who i saw? its......... terrence my 3rd ex bf. haha. didnt get to see him for like 1 n 1/2 yrs le. wow! think back its being such a long time. haha... i was so shocked n stunned. well! i think he looked better back then. but anyway m quite glad that i got to see someone that i used to be so closed with. haha... cos the ppl that i go clubbin with, i only saw them once. so its like i dun really knw them, so kind of feel awkard. anyway was being surrounded by a couple of guys. haha... there's terrence, wesley, aaron, sybian(aaron's cousin), n adrian(one of the guys there who juz got to knw one another). its like i've to run here n there lo. when dancing with this guy, the other one will start to come over n tell me that he's jealous. then there's terrence who keeps pulling me over to his table to drink n chat. talk abt his wk n him opening a pub with his friends. den he ask me to work for his pub but i say i rather get a share of it. kind of sick in wkin in a pub. he also asked me to join him in a e commerce biz. too many things le, wats more its biz matters. so i juz tell him to arrange another time den we meet up to talk abt it. its like we're clubbin now. its time to enjoy ourselves man dun bored ourselves with work. den after awhile, he asked me how did we break up? he said he duno y we broke up lo. thinkin back i oso dun recall wat actually happened that cos us to break up. but anyway he asked if we can patch up? den i say 'if its 1 n 1/2 yrs back, i'll patch back with you. but for now i dun think so. if u really wan it den u'll hav to start to woo me all over again. to make me fall for u.' haha... was actually thinkin if panda never appeared, mayb i'll get back with him. but for now i dun think so. hehe... anyway was kind of surprised that i wasnt drunk last nite. drank hse pour, chivas, tequilla shot, martel, n red wine. everything mix. n i've to go to 2 tables to drink. never really stop drinkin at all lo. its damn happening. never feel so happy for so long le. damn fun lo. cant seem to forget the nite. haha... love it like mad lo... but happy moments doesnt last. soon, its 4 in the morning. everyone has left without me knwing it. in the end, joanne's gang were the only one left. so went off with them. really enjoy the nite alot. didnt expect it to b so happening. tot it will be another borin nite. but things always turned out to b so unexpected. haha.... |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 2:19 PM |
|
|
|
juz woke up not long ago. was awaken by a call made by russell's cute frien. i was somehow irritated..... is army life really that borin that they hav to go to such an extend? anyway feelin bored now. so lost, nothin to do at all. haha. haven feel this way for quite awhile. its like my schedule used to b so packed. classes in the mornin, work in the nite, rest on the wkend. but for now. there's no lessons, no working, no events. its like so boring. oh ya! i'm goin back to xchange to work again. getting the basic. not commission. so dun hav to get close to any customer. all of them are the same now. needed to get back to wk cos realise that there are lots of debts to pay. haha. need to settle it asap. when attachment start, the attachment pay will b for my expenses, n the pay frm xchange will b for the debts. need to clear it man. dun like the feelin that i'm in debt. dun ask me how come i'm in debt, cos i myself dun even knw how come i've such debts. but watever it is, i'm juz goin to clear it off. juz treat it as a friendship fee for that period of time ba. some say that i'm stupid for doin such stuff. but to me, i dun like ppl to keep bringin up such matters, so i might as well clear it up. dun wana spoil my reputation. haha. hmmm... kind of feelin hungry, cant seem to take down any food, stomach still rejecting it. as stubborn as the owner. haha.... was wkin last nite. from a boring nite to a hectic nite. at the last moment a grp of 30 ppl come in. dun wana stay any longer so left with panda n grp at abt 240. b4 that there's this guy by the name of tony. an intelligent guy who likes to play ard with words. kind of used to ppl like this, cos i myself is also like this. haha... so juz play ard with him... well at least he knws his limits. y do i say so? cos he actually wanted to hug me but i walk away when he tried to do that. n he even giv me the excuse sayin that, that big grp there is blockin his way, ask me to lead him to the toilet. wat a lame reason. but watever it is, i juz lead him without holding his hands. juz help him to open up the path. thats all. in the end, i juz say good bye to him n left. haha. feel quite bad for leavin the crowd to dylene, they all. but at least i manage to stay till 240. better den the rest who stay till only 2. n at least i help out in clearin off as much mess as possible lo. after that went to hav supper, but i didnt eat at all. no appetite. den went home. on the way home with panda, i only spoke 3 sentence. 1) no, ur face is not red. 2) be careful, there's road block. 3) thanxi for ur ride. take care. bye bye. -- its liks so weird lo. this is not the way how friends treat one another man. i wan to change it. i'm gona change it man. friends shld b like chatting with one another especially given by our character. we will juz crap wan lo. like how we enjoy ourself when we 1st hang out together. haha... wat a boring fri! i'm suppose to be out. but here i'm. slackin at home, with an upset stomach. but i juz wana get out of here. dun wana stay home. its damn borin. hav been slackin at home for like a couple of days le. cant take it anymore. where the hell are all the ppl??? |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 1:27 PM |
|
|
|
haha... i'm goin crazy. but i feel that this is so me lo. haha... always rushing for the last min thingi. its like ltr at 2pm i'm having my toughest paper this sem n i only started to study at 10am. den i realised that i've lots of things that either i dun recalled how to check it out or i dun understand at all. hmmm... den i start to panicked. haha. but i managed to get a few classmates to meet up an hr b4 hand. so that i can clarrify with them. anyway the last hr of preparation is always my peak period. i'll tend to remember n absorb practically everything that i've come across. realise that i'm capable of things like this so since o level this is my studying method le. hahhahaha... cant imagine if i've a daughter like myself. haha... its like tdy i'm havin such an impt paper n yet while still havin brouchitis, i went clubbing. was supposed to meet russell to club, but in the end they went to dbl o even though they knw that i cant get in. think was bcos he's tryin to avoid me ba. initally was quite pissed. but its ok cos MICHELLE, my darling called. n 1st time in 7 yrs she asked me to go clubbin with her. i was so surprised. tts y i say, she has changed alot. n i like this change in her. den she asked me where to go. name her a couple of places, like devils, mdm wong, o bar, china black, momo. n in the end after some discussion with her friends, we decided to go o bar, they wanted to go there to take a look since they hav not been there b4. so i say ok. n went to change n prepare myself. den meet up with them at 2315 outside specialist center cos they are taking a cab, n so they pick me up frm there n proceed to mhd sultan. was quite excited cos never club with michelle b4. initally was wonderin if she will be able to accept the environment? but after awhile, all my worries are juz extras. we juz mix in fine. i mix in well with her friends, vice versa. they are really nice ppl to hang out with. den while dancing half way, i saw someone. big enough for me to notice him. i was like, hmmm... that guy look juz so like Russell, especially with his one n only unqiue chicken hair style. den after awhile, michelle asked me, 'isnt that the guy u brought to nydc on sat?' den when i looked closer i saw pearly as well. n this confirm that its them... i was surprised that they are at O bar. i tot they are suppose to be at dbl o. but anyway my main purpose is to enjoy this nite with michelle. nth means more den my friendship with her. really nth at this pt of time, except my family. i dun wan to destroy the moment i spent with her. so juz enjoy n not be concerned with them. hehe. anyway they are there themselve. n i'm here with my gang. so y bother? haha... didnt get to enjoy myself so much since the day we broke up. even that nite when we broke off, we went to black, i didnt even really dance much. no one can stop me from dancing my favourtie music. but that nite i actually juz sat there, not even moving along with the beat. yesterday nite was different. nothing can stop me at all. but was kind of pissed off by a couple of malays, they got drunk n keep bangin onto others, like me. feel like smacking them. but anyway still enjoy myself, n nearin to the end i went over to dbl o, n when i saw the dance floor, my reaction was 'WOW'. i love it man. i think another 8 more mths dbl o n o bar will b my regular hang out man. its like the music at o bar rocks, n the dance floor at dbl o is fantastic. haha... but there's sth diff last nite, 1st time since i ever started clubbin, i didnt giv my no at all. there's a guy who approached me for my no but i juz smile at him n say sorry, i'm not interested. i cant believe it. haha. amazing rite? was amazed myself as well. i think for now i'm juz interested in enjoyin myself juz by hangin out with my friends, look at guys n juz enjoy man. tts all that i want. anyway saw quite a couple of cute guys. realise that i'm very into guys who wears diamond ear stud on their left ear. not both sides but one. got turn off by 2 sided ear holes. so its kind of fun. but really hate guys who are short. den after everything, went home with pearly. she's as cranky as usual. so into her own world last nite. keep thinkin abt the ang mo who french kiss with her when lights on. french kiss bcos he's a french???? corny rite? but who cares. juz dun understand how can ppl juz kiss when they juz got to knw one another? never done that b4. dun even feel like trying. i mean there's no feelings at all. physical touch as in dancing with one another n holding hands is more den enough. how can they brin themselve to kiss one another? are they not worried that the other party may hav hep B? haha... well thats not the issue, the issue is how can they brin themselve to do that. well i cant. even though i'm not as pure, n i used to always flirt ard(dun think will go into it for awhile, or mayb ever) but i juz cant bring myself to do that. ppl says i'm very open. but i think i'm still somehow conservative ba. haha. i believe there are juz some things that cant b done so openly, only if u've the kind of feeling n only if u're serious abt it. den i think it will b fine. ok i'll end here for now. need to rush off to meet up with my saviour le. otherwise once i miss it i'll regret it. i dun wana regret it again. i dun wana do things that makes me feel regretful. once is enough for now. has make my heart breaks, cos me to break down b4. ITS ENOUGH. i dun wana hav it anymore. haha. so better rush off. |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 11:36 AM |
|
|
|
i've enough of all this shit. i'm suppose to be feelin better. as they always say time heals. but wat the hell. its not getting any better at all in fact its getting frm bad to worst. i hate it. i hate this kind of feelin. so helpless. i've decided. i'm gona block out this feeling. since i can do it 4 yrs back i dun see y i cant do it now. n since everyone likes to lie, i'm gona do the same. i dun see y shld i be different from others. n since money is so impt to everyone i dun see y i shld stop wking. n since guys are always the one who cause my downfall, wats wrong with me earning guys money without letting them get anything back in return. everyone is full of lies. filled with lies. so i'm gona make my life full n filled with lies as well. this is den being fair. how i wish that life is back to the past. before i get into a relationship. everything is so peaceful. but i knw it cant. not now, not in the future. for now i juz wana wait for mummy to come home, i wana cry in her arms for one last time although i've never done it b4. i juz wan to feel protected for one last time. after that i'll b on my own. truely on my own. nothing matters anymore. i repeat NOTHING. i've enough of deception. i've enough of ppl lying to me. y cant they tell the truth like i always do? since this is the case, fine, i'll juz b like them. wana see the true me? haha... wait till one day there's juz someone who can break down the walls that i've built ard me. i used to live it open n free. but time n time again i'm hurt bcos i tot if i were to treat them well they will treat me well too. but i was wrong. totally wrong. when ppl do wrong they ask for my forgivness n i giv it to them cos i believe one day i'll need it back to. but it juz doesnt seems to come back to me. i dun get forgivness for the tings that i do wrongly, especially when its unintentionally. its damn unfair. n since this is the case, i dun see y muz i be as real as they are. no matter how real a person claims to b, they are never really real. somehow somewhere they still put on a mask. even for one of my frien (dun wana name him out). everyone says that he's being himself. but somehow somewhere he's not really as trueful to himself either. i wana lead this life. i need time. i duno if i can lie. everything sound so fake ard me if i were to do that. i hate this kind of life. but m i leave with any better choices? i dun think so. so no matter wat i believe i'll achieve it, cos i want it. now the only that stops me frm doin so is non other den him. but i believe he wont understand it. he's every reason to the start of everything n he may juz b the reason to the end of everything. no one knws. he has fear for getting into another relationship, for me, my heart stops responding to relationship. i've enough of all the bullshit that is given to me. i've once taken n accepted it n treated it like my precious, my life. but not anymore. HOPEFULLY, not anymore. wat do u mean by special friend? i realise that if i were to really juz b friends with you, it wont be enough. it will never b. so the only way to do that i'll hav to block off all the feelings i've for you. n i mean it. once i block it off i duno if i'll be able to achieve it back, so this will b the last time i'll ask you, u sure there's no way in getting back? if its a yes, i'll block it out immediately, if its a no, there's still a way of salvagin it den i wont wan to block it out. n i'll wait cos i dun wana regret it. at least by askin u the last time, i've done my best le. at least no regrets. anyway yesterday while watchin the tv, all of a sudden ai hen jian dan is a song that i really feel that it suits my feelings for you at that moment. but that was then. |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 12:37 PM |
|
|
|
down with chest infection, stomach flu, fever, cough, flu, giddiness. wonder y m i still not in the hospital? wonder wat will come next? anyway hav bein stayin at home the whole day starin at the tv, tryin to laugh at the taiwan comedy, tryin to make myself feel better. but it juz doesnt work. den after that went out with pearly for dinner n a smoking session. puke 3 time after dinner. its like my body is rejectin watever i take in. wat the hell! juz woke up from a bad dream. dreamt that everyone, even my friends n my parent were pointin their fingures at me, saying 'IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU DESERVE IT! HAHAHAAHA...' den right in the middle, there he stood, holding his red pouch as usual, with his head slightly slanted and say 'told you so!' he looked abit sad when he says that. i ran over wantin to grad hold of his hand n apologised. but he vanished. looking back, its really all my fault n now he really did vanished. its really all my fault. juz hate myself so much. anyway juz now went to hav dinner with pearly, n chatted quite awhile although not as much as wat we usually do. while chattin she said that i'm juz lyin to myself by sayin that it doesnt matter anymore. she said that this is one of the ways we handle things at this point of time as we feel comfortable with it, until we look for a better one we will juz stick to it. its actually quite true. i juz wana hide away. hide from the hurting truth. i dun wana feel anything. by bringin myself back to the real world, i'll wan to cry, i'll wan to look for him n keep tellin him that i'm so sorry n that i really wan to get back together. but i knw that this wont happen. n i cant bring myself so low to that anymore. wats more when i knw that its not possible for us to get back, i wont wan to insist on it anymore unless he wants it back. but anyway i think i've pissed him off so much that he dun think he can even bring himself to be friends with me for the time being. i even told pearly, that mayb after the money issue we may not be meetin up that often le. 1stly, there are lots of ppl in the grp who dun like me. 2ndly, panda doesnt even wana b friends for the time being, so how to meet up often? den while we are at the void deck, she told me abt the history of her ex n her, n all of a sudden i realised that only thing that i hav with panda was the key chain that i bought 3 days after we were together. the 'u make me whole' keychain. n i actually lost the one that i hav with me. the one with his name on. n now i really lost him. hahaha... wat a coincident. den there was once, i dreamt that i was almost rape, he send me a mms with the keychain that has my name on it, n he said this 'dear, i found you!' its was so sweet. but i actually deleted that msg. (juz managed to get him to send it to me again. but of cos this time there will not b any sweet msges.) its like i hate myself lo. how on earth did i manage to lost it? really cant believe it. den after i lost it we said that we will go n get another one. but we juz didnt hav the chance ba. den i told pearly that i miss him, n i ask her this qns ' do u think he will miss me like i miss him?' its like i knw the answer n i'm still askin the obvious. i'm an itch on his back that he cant reach to scratch. cant even wait to get rib off. y on earth will he miss me? stupid rite? feel so dumb. makin things much more difficult for myself only. its like he can juz walk off without feelin anything (i assume), turnin his back on everything n here i'm fightin very hard to regain back my own self. haha. mayb this makes the difference between man n woman. man are juz able to let go of so many things. where else woman cant. i mean the majority. hate myself somuch. how i wish i'm so much stronger. anyway really wanted this relationship, but yet at the same time i told him that i dun wan it anymore. wanted tis relationship cos i still love him n i really wan to make up for wat i've done. dun wan this relationship cos i dun wan a relationship that doesnt mean anything from the other party n that i dun wana get hurt again. it reallly feels like shit lo. especially when i'm the one who ruin it. oh my god. i've to get over it soon. otherwise i'll go insane soon. or hav i already go insane. GOD pls help me. i dun wan my life to b like this. i dun things to turn out like this. how i wish i were to b given a wish. if there is one i juz wish that time will go back. n i'll not make any foolish mistakes. i will do watever that can make sure that the outcome will not be like this. in fact we will be happily spending our one mth yesterday. hahahaha... its all but juz a wish. how i wish sometimes wishes do come true? its all nothing but a lie. y tell me things that u dun mean it when we're together? n y cant u lie to me after we broke up that watever u say is true so that i can juz continue to hold on? i wanted to stay friends cos i knw that the possibility of gettin back is very low. juz to stay friends so that i'll get to be close to u even though we're not together. at least we're still related. i dun wan to totally lose you. not in this way...... |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 1:58 AM |
|
|
|
i never knew that i'm so fuck up. haha. juz tryin to make things better but instead i'm juz messing things up even more. hahahahahaha... duno if i shld b cryin or shld i be laughing. everyone is like lying to me, avoiding me. mayb this is juz life. juz read his blog. realise that i'm so irritating. didnt knw that i'll break down that nite. didnt intend too. i'm not that kind who will wans to break down in front of everyone. if i wanted to break down so much i would hav cried infront of my gang le. cos they are the closest to me. but i didnt. but anyway that break down is a good thing. i feel better. the moment at my place sucks but its also a good thing. mayb this whole thing will juz end here. if he were to giv me a 2nd chance juz bcos he pity me den there's no pt in it. actually juz like wat he says, there's no pt. hahahahahaha... last nite my mum was askin me wat happened that nite. y m i so drunk? did i hav a quarrel with panda? i was like 'hmmm... isnt it obvious?' den my mum ask, 'y u got another new bf again ah?' how i wish there is? so that i can divert my feelings n i wont feel so terrible. all of a sudden juz feel like huggin my mum. n cry out like a small girl. when was the last time i hug my mum n cried out loud? more den a decade ago? think she will b the only one who will truely cares though she never spends time with me. last nite while i was watchin ch8, after my mum ask abt panda, she said this 'can u let me care for you? i realise i've not care for you for so long. in the end now u wont even let me start to care for you? share ur problems with me, PLEASE.' i was like so stunned. i tot i'm someone that no one really cares abt, no one really wans. haha. even my parents dun really wan me. to me they are juz a couple who takes care of my life, as long as i get my education that will be it. but if i were to look deeper n b more sensitive, they are more den that. they wanted to get close, to care more. its juz me. i'm not giving them the chance. but hey, who make me out to b like this. since young i'm taught to make my own deicisions, live my own life. so used to taking care of myself. n now they wan to care. isnt it abit too late? they are late for at least 10 yrs. wanted to giv them n myself a chance but i juz cant open up. i duno y. i juz duno y. sometimes, really hate myself so much. always expecting alot. but come to think of it, hav i myself reach the standard of others expectation. if not den y m i expecting so much? really hav alot of changes to make. hav to learn to be more sensible, more sensitive to the ppl ard me, more of not who i'm now. bein to me is not me.wat the heck! if u dun understand wat i mean, its ok. cos its juz me. my thoughts always run wild n there're juz times i dun understand it myself too. hahahhaahahaha... how i wish i can juz keep laughin forever. juz laugh even when i'm sad, when i'm hurt, when i'm feelin terrible. i used to be like this. so tears never fall. think i'll go back to that. i dun wana tear anymore. its kind of tiring. even more tirin den acting not to care. anyway life juz goes on. i juz hav to pick myself up again. it may take time. but this is the only way to go on. i believe after wat happened, i dun think there will be any more possibility of us getting back together. its all my fault. now i knw where i'm wrong at. i dun expect you to live with it or even accept it. but i believe i'll change for the better of cos, will learn to be more sensible, n b more responsible for my actions. hopefully, one day ... ... |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 12:03 PM |
|
|
|
back from a gatherin with michelle, meng, wen and wan hua. did enjoy myself. everyone has changed alot after entering Uni. not as naive anymore. thats a good ting. kind of miss them. didnt noticed that until we met up n manage to hav coffee at coffee bean rite after dinner. chatted for like 4 hrs. m really glad that we meet up, the only problem is that they cant accept it that i'm smoking again. complaining and complainin the whole nite. did make an effort not to smoke in front of them. but cant take it. need to take a puff. so in the end they gav in n let me smoke while siting with them. not a easy thing to persuade them though. all are anti smokers. but in the end still manage to la. haha. this is wat 7 yrs of friendship means. able to accept who u're even though u dun like it. anyway chatted alot of things. from uni events to clubbing, to the recent murder case of the filipino maid, to my break up, to the scandals in campus. practically everything under the sun. really miss them all n this kind of sessions as well. had a bad day yesterday but still hav to put on a smile when meeting them cos i knw my mood will affect them badly. michelle understand me best of all. n she was very patient sitin down listenin to me when the rest went to get their drinks. glad that she's always so patient with me. love her like mad. all of a sudden dun feel so lonely again. but somehow still dun feel good. it hurts. really hurts. but wat can i do? NOTHING. really hate it this way. so helpless, so useless. i cant even control the situation. i cant even make decisions. its like i'm totally lost. feel like all of a sudden i'm really back to the past. n that history is really repeating itself. n i stupidly allow it to happen. if i were to be more decent, i wont go clubbin n pubbing. den i wont get to knw him. n if i dun get to knw him we wont get together and i wont get hurt. IF... anyway i can blame no one but myself. for bein so terribly stupid, insensitive when needed, too sensitive when there's nth wrong at all, not able to control myself n allow all these to happen. But then again, all this is about feelings. i do feel for him thats y i let myself into this relationship in the 1st place. i shld hav controlled myself. but then again all this may b fated. thinking back juz dun understand y it will ended up like this. ok its my fault that i'm being insensitive at the chalet, when i brought a customer of mine there. but i did explain the reason behind it n i did apologise. n then the devils thingi. that guy sucks. hate him. but at that point of time when we were seated together n he kept critisizing abt him, wat can i do? we said b4 that when we are clubbin we're on our own. so i cant defend him much. i can only stand at a neutral pt. wat i hear, i cant say much. n i hated that. so in the end i chose not to go back to that guy but he wanted to. n when there's no more drinks that guy will leave if we dun share another jug. so i didnt want to share but he wanted to. n now i'm at fault bcos i didnt defend him at all. i do admit that i didnt defend him but i did do things to avoid listenin to that guy bitching. so now everything is my fault. n then after that nite i went on a so called date with another guy that i got to knw at devils. went to catch a show. initially he was fine with it. but yesteday he told me that he cant accept it. not only that, the other time when we were at o bar i gav my no to another guy in front of him. i tot... ok i assumed that he can accept it but after awhile he tells me that he cant. wat the fuck? i lay down all my grd rules. he didnt. he juz say that he's fine with it. he can accept it. n now this is wat happen. before the whole relationship started, i told him that i've to hide the truth that i hav a bf in front of my customers, n i've to flirt with them in n out of the pub. he says that he's fine with it. now he's tellin me that he cant accept it. but ok even though so, i've stop everything. the day that i got to be with him, i didnt go out with any customers at all n i didnt even get close to them, except for the one who i brought him to the chalet cos he has nth to do for an hr n i've to accompany him. but i didnt wan to stay long at xchange cos i wana go back to the chalet to see him. bcos of this, he said that he cant trust me anymore. oh ya, not only that bcos of him i broke up with my ex which we were considered together but not really together. the status is there but nth more than that. n i hurt him. but come to think of it. its not my fault. he neglected me 1st. as a couple, i believe that we shld communicate even when we do not meet up often. for mths we only met up once. n that was even b4 my birthday. he didnt even celebrate my bday with me. not only that itsl like we didnt even chat on the phone. think his mum call me more often den he does. so after like 3 mths i considered myself single, thats y i started this relationship. initially he asked me to do a clear cut to it. but i cant cos i knw my ex is fightin for his career i dun wana leave him as yet even though we'er not really together. so i explain to him n he accepted it. but there're times he mention abt it. so finally after checkin out that my ex career is somewhere there i initiated a break up. n knw wat happens, yesteday he told me that i'm not being a nice person. how can i break up with him? n if i can do that to my ex i can do that to him too. but hey, i'm not the one at fault. he neglected me 1st, n now i'm tryin to end it cos i knw that he wans it. n now he's blaming me. its like everything is my fault like that. wat the hell. i'm really serious into this relationship to the extend that i even arranged for him to meet up with my parents to hav lunch on my dad's bday. he's the 1st bf out of so many who did that. n everyone ard me other den my customers knw that i've a bf n even seen his pic. i never fail to brin our pics out even when i'm not takin my wallet lo. i gave up my job bcos he didnt like it. i put in so much effort n in the end this is wat i got. i really wanted this relationship badly that i even pleaded him. sth which i dun do often, rarely do it. even jimmy scolded me b4. sayin that i'm too demanding, i shld learn how to use the word 'please'. i dun like to use it cos i'm not use to using it. but this morning at ard 6am i used it 3 times tryin to salvage the relationship. how can he be so cruel by endin it like this if he loves me? though he may be a very rational guy but still, how can he bare to do that? i believe that there's a way to solve it, solve all the problems but he juz wanted to end it. no matter wat. sounds like me when i'm tryin to end a relationship. everything is an excuse in that kind of situation. i believe if he were to giv this relationship a 2nd chance, it will be better. cos now i'm aware of wat he wants n how he's like. its like he knws wat i wan cos i'm always so straight forward but i never knw wat he wants cos he never says it out. Now this is an egoistic problem, bcos as a man he has to accept alot of things that i've done, but after awhile, when thinking back he cant accept it. n thats where all the problems started to arise. so after this i believe that things will get better provided he's willing to giv it another shot. though i knw that he wont cos he's too logical n his mind controls over his heart(which is not a very good thing, not everytime) but i'll still b hoping. really hope n wish that he will come back. will be waiting till the day that i really see no turnin back(which i hope will not). for the time being juz be friends lo. i think. |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 12:04 AM |
|
|
|
juz back frm smoking session with pearly. finally able to relax. haha. but soon hav to start studying for my papers which will start in like 12 hrs time. time is running out but still i dun feel like studying. wat the hell!!! studying is good, n fun at times. but for now, juz feel like slacking. hai... its juz me. yesterday nite also say wan to study in the end ended up up devils. it was an impulsive decision made by pearly n panda lo. anyway its a wed n its ladies nite so no harm done. in fact quite enjoy myself except for some problems that 'we' had after the fun. but anyway b4 that went to xchange to take a look cos kok hong was there. all of a sudden juz dun feel anything for him le. used to b so in love with him. but now he's juz like any other frien i've. oh ya forgot to mention one thing, i think he looks damn ugly lo. not like the last time i saw him. but panda says that there's no difference in him. hmmm... wonder is it bcos the last time i saw him i'm still in love with him that's y i feel that he looks better or bcos he really looks good then. haha. not for me to judge anyway. time pass by so quickly, think back i've done many stupid things. reminded myself time n time again not to do it. but sometimes humans are juz humans, we will tend to repeat our mistakes. they call it a life cycle. not a life cycle as in shen, lao, bing, si. but more of like a trend. a trend cycle. its like history will juz keep repeatin themselves. with or without u knwin it. its juz it. sometimes if u were to reflect back u'll realise that watever you do, the outcome will somehow b similar to the initial one. somehow things are juz meant to be that way. some ppl believe that its predestined, some ppl believe that they are the one who controls it. but look at it this way. as humans we do not knw wat will happen next. even at times, when we try to control matters/issues, they will still get out of hand. y is that so? mayb its bcos of the environment? people? issues? but hey, its not only that. its bcos of YOU, the one who is involved. u're being make this way, to act in a certain behaviour, a certain manner, n to react in a certain way. and who make you tis way??? think abt it. |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 2:14 AM |
|
|
|
juz came back from xchange. all of a sudden feel so lost. dun seem to hav anything left, except my parents. even panda seems not to be by my side anymore, its like he is gona leave me sooner or ltr. i dun wan this to happen. it felt terrible. had this experience 3 yrs back. at the start of sec 4. b4 new yr i had everything. once sch reopen i seem to lost everything within days. i was so lost. cried practically every nite. i'm not goin to do the same. that time i lost my relationship, my friendship, my studies, my position, my trust. practically everything. this time i duno wat i lost. but i juz feel so lost. its like i duno if he's true to me, or juz out to have fun. sometimes he will show me that he really care, there're times whereby he doesnt seems to bother at all. n he even told me that he doesnt wan to go clubbin with me anymore. wats wrong with that? i mean when we go clubbing, he has his own fun i'll hav mine. i'll not bother him, vice versa. y is there such a sudden change? n den my xchange bf all of a sudden so involve with 'someone' else. i'm no longer in the picture anymore. i felt so hurt even though we're no longer involve. its like somehow i lost another support. through this i start to lost my self confidence. its like no one seems to be able to like/love me for long except my parents. so i dun dare to hope for too much for him to love me for long. anyway, only time will prove it. plus, frm wat i knw, his friends dun really like me. n i believe he'll be influence by them sooner or ltr, unless he's damn firm abt the 2 of us being together. otherwise sooner or ltr this will still come to an end. den in the end i'll b the one who gets hurt again. i dun wan that to happen cos i knw i'll get damn hurt cos i've fallen deeply for him le. tryin to pull myself out now. dun wana get hurt. so decided to lay low for awhile. lay low means ..... ............. ................ den sabrina told me that she duno to chose between steve or steven, i was like so envious. so many guys after her. even the one that i used to like. n she told me that she cant make up her mind. den after wk i heard frm someone else that she's already with steven le. i was so shock. one min tellin me that she cant make up her mind, next min i was told that she's already with him. i felt so cheated. how can one put on so many mask? able to juz lie thru their teeth juz like that?n yet so confident n able to win others hearts. is bein the bad guy the only way to get all the attention? i'm tryin so hard to be ME n that i'll get the attention, love, affection from someone. but i juz dun seem to get it. ppl are complaining that i'm bein too straightforward, too demanding, too troublesome.... wat the hell.... i think only putting on a mask is the best thing. able to get into others good books easily. where else being ur true self cant. yet ppl are always askin others to stop puttin on the mask n be ur true self. BULLSHIT. no one can accept the true self. cos its always so ugly. den if thats the case, PPL pls stop askin the ppl ard u to b their true self when u cant accept the truth. it will only hurt u urself n the opp party even more. its never easy to accept the truth. but yet humans are still humans, they will tend to ask others to do wats right but within their inner self they cant accept it. n they will start to accumulate the anger within them. n once they cant take it, they will being out every small little detail they dislike abt the other party to talk/argue abt. this is life man, this is the reality. i'm also tryin to learn to accept it. the reality is always every harsh. not easy to be accepted. but still i've to learn to accept it. wat can i do? this is life. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ hopefully that our relationship wont go sour. i really wan it to last. even hope to see a future in it. but everything takes 2 hands to clap. juz hope that watever 'someone' says will not come true.(its a very -ve comment on the relationship) love you alot hope that it wont go any deeper otherwise if one day u were to really leave me at least i can bear with the hurt. otherwise i'll really suffer alot. this is to protect myself, not bcos i dun trust you. juz that i've being hurt alot of times. pls forgive me n try to be understandin in this area as well. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 3:19 AM |
|
|
|
finally, able to find some time to rest n come in here to update my blog... has being quite some time le. has being busy with a wkend chalet and trying to make myself settle down to study which i kind of findin it hard to do. went to pasir ris costa sand during the wkends. its a chalet organise by the gang for russells's bday which is on the 2nd sept. its was damn fun lo. haven being to a chalet for a very long time. n this timie did really enjoy myself. except for the 1st nite whereby after wk i actually brought david(one of my xchange customers) there and cause alot of unhappiness to the rest of the ppl there. didnt knw that i cause them so much unhappiness, especially panda. mayb i'm not being sensitive enough. juz so concern abt my own thoughts, abt myself. i wanted the ball bearings so much so that i hav to finish up the whole bottle of martel n he's all alone so i ask him there. i didnt want to get drunk at xchange as i wanted to see panda soon so i get him there. in the end everyone were so upset by me. in the end i got wat i deserve i broke my toe nail so to get him to go. dun thin i want to go into details. but anyway its a blessing in disguise, had a heart to hear talk with panda n i believe we tend to knw each other better n we promise to try to compromise n accommodate one another. he'll try to be more sensitive (this is due to the past quarrel we have due to his insensitivity) n i'll try to be less egoistic. m quite glad the way we handle it though at some point i tend to over react. but still there's a solution to it. still not that bad huh! at the chalet, m the only girl there out of 7 ppl. got the priviledge of getting mess up by 6 guys who were all being dirtied by cakes on the last nite. the whole scene is in the a disatrous state. but still we did enjoy. after that had a drinking session that almost make me puke. at least i manage to control. otherwise i'll really b dead drunk. kind of enjoy every thing there. there's once, one of my flirt told me this, bu zai yu tian chan di jiu zi zai yu chang ji yong you. n i tell him that i cant be like this. i rather sacrifice the short period of happiness, of belonging to hav a forever belonging relationship. come to think of it. sometimes i tend to look too far away. i tend to plan too far ahead. n by doin this i tend to increase my expectations on everything and everyone ard me. cos i expect them to think like me; look at the future. tts y there are times i cant seem to click with the ppl ard me cos our frequency is not the same. my expectations are always not meet up. this happen so especially to my love ones. in the end will end up quarrelin. always wanted things to be systematic n organise. where else alot of ppl like to do things last min, always filled with changes. i dun like that. i wan my day activities to be plan. think this is abit too hard to achieve. think hav to start to change myself. stop thinkin too much abt the future. juz enjoy myself at this particular moment. think this should be good enough. |
|
MiCh3Ll M. [L]eft``To The Path Of HeR Dreams`` | 4:25 PM |